Embracing the Tapestry

A Neurodiversity-affirming Guide for Parents of AuDHD Girls

Welcoming a parent to this journey begins with a fundamental understanding of what it means to embrace neurodiversity. The initial recognition that a child may experience the world differently can be a moment of concern, but this guide reframes it as the first step in a beautiful and empowering journey of understanding and celebration.

The central message, embodied in the bestselling book Your Child Is Not Broken, is that the challenges are not rooted in the child themselves but in the world around them [1]. 

This post is an invitation to explore a paradigm that accepts, validates, and uplifts a child’s unique identity rather than seeking to change it.

Beyond the Medical Model: Understanding the Neurodiversity Paradigm

The term "neurodiversity" was coined by Australian sociologist Judy Singer in 1998 to highlight a core truth: the human brain is not uniform [2]. Instead, it exists on a spectrum of neurocognitive differences, where diversity in sensory processing, motor abilities, social comfort, and cognition is a natural variation of the human experience [3].

The term "neurodivergent" is used to describe individuals whose neurological functioning differs from what is considered "neurotypical" or "typical" [3].

The neurodiversity paradigm encompasses a wide range of conditions, including autism, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), dyslexia, and Tourette syndrome [4].

The Shift from Deficit to Strength

The traditional medical model, which has historically dominated the conversation, often views neurological differences as deficits or disorders to be treated or cured. This approach, sometimes referred to as the deficit model, can contribute to significant societal stigma and ableism.

Research indicates that focusing on a cure or "normalisation" can lead to poorer mental health outcomes, including depression and anxiety [5]. This is because the medical model often pathologises an individual's way of being, rather than recognising it as a natural variation.

In stark contrast, the neurodiversity-affirming approach stands as a strength-based model that accepts and embraces neurodivergent brains as equal, valid, and not in need of repair [6].

This mindset does not deny that neurodivergent individuals may face challenges. Rather, it attributes those challenges to a world designed for the neurotypical brain, which often creates social barriers and misunderstandings [6].

The goal is to understand the child's perspective, provide necessary support, and teach crucial skills like self-love and self-advocacy. It rejects the promotion of masking and the elimination of self-regulatory behaviors like stimming [7].

Neuronormativity and Masking

The persistent focus on neurological differences through a medical lens, often described as "neuronormativity," can lead to the "othering" and discrimination of neurodivergent people [5].

This societal bias, which assumes a single "normal" way of thinking, is a primary driver of the pressure to conform and mask behaviors.

Masking, or camouflaging, can lead to burnout, self-esteem issues, and can exacerbate co-occurring mental health struggles [5], [8].

The challenges experienced are not a personal failing but a predictable result of living in a world that lacks accommodation for diverse cognitive styles [6].

Another crucial element is the "Double Empathy Problem," where communication difficulties are seen as a two-way disconnect between people with different neurotypes, not solely a deficit in the neurodivergent individual [7].

By reframing the issue, a parent’s role shifts from fixing their child to becoming a powerful advocate.

Seeing the Unseen: The Nuanced World of AuDHD in Girls

Duality and Inner Conflict

The dual presentation of autism and ADHD, referred to as AuDHD, is a particularly complex and often confusing experience. The traits of each condition can sometimes seem to be in opposition, creating a unique internal struggle [8].

For example, an autistic desire for routine and predictability can clash with an ADHD-related need for novelty and a tendency toward disorganisation and forgetfulness. This internal conflict is a core part of the AuDHD experience [8].

Behind the Mask

Potentially the greatest hindrance to the identification of AuDHD in young girls is the widespread phenomenon of masking and camouflaging [5].

Research consistently shows that girls are more likely to hide or suppress their neurodivergent traits in an effort to fit in with their peers [5], [9]. They may withdraw in social situations, appear to cope better than their male peers, and may show fewer visible repetitive behaviors [9].

This ability to "pass" or mimic the behavior of others comes at a high emotional and psychological cost. The constant effort of masking is exhausting and can lead to burnout, anxiety, depression, and a loss of self-esteem [5].

For many parents, the child who "holds it together" all day at school may come home and release their bottled-up emotions in the form of meltdowns or shutdowns [10].

The Perfectionist Paradox

The "perfectionist paradox" is a challenging element of this dual presentation [8].

The combination of an autistic drive for competence and high standards with the executive dysfunction of ADHD can lead a girl to work two to three times as hard as her peers to achieve the same results.

This relentless effort to compensate creates a constant state of hyper-vigilance and, eventually, profound burnout [8].

The "catastrophising" and severe emotional dysregulation are not signs of a personality flaw but are the nervous system's crash after prolonged and unsustainable effort to conform [8].

The "Can't, Not Won't" Dynamic

A refusal to comply with a request is often interpreted as defiance. However, for a neurodivergent child, a refusal may stem from overwhelm or an inability to process the demand in the moment. It is a case of "can't," not "won't," which can lead to emotional dysregulation or a complete "shutdown" [7].

Recognising the Subtle Signs: Male vs. Female Presentation

Recognising AuDHD in girls requires looking beyond the traditional, male-centric presentation. Symptoms often appear in more subtle and internalised ways, making them easy to overlook or misinterpret as shyness, anxiety, or simply being "quirky" [5], [9].

Hyperactivity / Impulsivity

Common Male Presentation: "High energy, running around, fidgeting, interrupting others, talking noisily" [8], [11].

Common Female Presentation (Often Overlooked): "Excessive talking, restlessness or fidgeting, fast-paced thinking. May also appear as being a 'daydreamer' when thoughts are racing" [8], [11].

Inattention

Common Male Presentation: "Struggles to listen, follow instructions, or complete homework. Loses things easily" [11].

Common Female Presentation (Often Overlooked): "Difficulty staying organised, struggles to pay attention to details, being easily distracted by unrelated thoughts. May adopt compensatory strategies to appear equally successful" [8]. 

Social Interaction

Common Male Presentation: "Aversion to social interaction, avoids eye contact, prefers to be alone" [4], [10].

Common Female Presentation (Often Overlooked): "May appear socially motivated but be 'odd,' with limited or intense friendships. May imitate or copy others' speech and actions to fit in" [9], [10].

Special Interests

Common Male Presentation: "Intense, factual interest in subjects like train schedules or maps" [10].

Common Female Presentation (Often Overlooked): "Intense, repetitive interest in subjects considered 'girly,' such as horses, unicorns, art, or animals, that may be dismissed as normal" [10], [12].

Emotional Regulation

"May have overt meltdowns in public and difficulty controlling emotions" [10], [8].

Common Female Presentation (Often Overlooked): "May keep emotions under control in social scenarios but become upset or distressed at home as a means of release. Can catastrophise and experience meltdowns or shutdowns" [8].

Repetitive Behaviors (Stimming)

Common Male Presentation: "Overt and more visible stims, such as hand-flapping, rocking, or spinning" [10].

Common Female Presentation (Often Overlooked): "Quieter, less noticeable stims, such as hair twirling, skin picking, or nail flicking" [10], [12].

Core Principles for a Neuro-Affirming Home & Family

Creating a neurodiversity-affirming home environment is about becoming an "environmental architect" who builds a safe, predictable, and supportive space for a child to thrive. The focus is on adapting the environment to the child’s needs, rather than forcing the child to adapt [6].

Affirming Parenting Strategies

Validation of a child's feelings, not dismissal. 

This means actively listening and reflecting back what the child is expressing, communicating that their emotions are valid and understood. The goal is not to immediately "fix" the problem but to help the child recognise their triggers and develop their own calming strategies [7].

In their own way, in their own time. 

The AuDHD brain can find transitions and unexpected changes incredibly challenging. A neuro-affirming home prioritises predictability and respects a child’s need for processing time [7].

Safety in predictability.

Establishing clear routines, providing countdown warnings before a transition, and creating dedicated "safe spaces" or quiet zones can significantly reduce anxiety and emotional dysregulation.

Honour a child's unique communication and sensory needs. 

For example, giving instructions one at a time and in a calm voice can be more effective than a long, multi-step command [7].

A focus on innate strengths. 

Identify a child’s unique strengths—such as the ability to hyperfocus for long periods, a strong sense of justice, or a direct and honest way of communicating—and use these as a foundation for growth [6]. This empowers the child to use their unique abilities as advantages.

Honouring autonomy and respecting boundaries. 

It is essential to teach a child that they have the right to say "no," to protest, and to set personal boundaries. This is especially important for AuDHD girls, who may be more susceptible to being taken advantage of due to their desire to fit in or their naivety [8].

Focus on empowerment, not compliance.

Parenting strategies like rewards or "when-then" statements should be evaluated based on their intent. A reward chart used to force eye contact is not affirming.

A reward given to acknowledge a child's effort in completing a genuinely challenging task, with a reward they have chosen, can be an empowering tool that builds confidence and acknowledges their struggle.

The goal is supporting emotional well-being and building life skills, not normalising behavior [13].

A Curated Toolkit of Neuro-Affirming Resources

Navigating the world of neurodiversity can be overwhelming, but a curated toolkit of resources can provide a clear roadmap.

Neuro-Affirming Organisations (Australia Focus)

Amaze

• Primary Focus: Autism, AuDHD, Neurodiversity

• Services Offered: Free national helpline (Autism Connect), community information, support groups, training, resources on different life stages.

• URL/Contact Info: amaze.org.au Helpline: 1300 308 699

ADHD Support Australia

• Primary Focus: ADHD, AuDHD

• Services Offered: Online community, live expert speaker events, online parenting courses, digital parenting programs, ADHD directory.

• URL/Contact Info: adhdsupportaustralia.com.au

Yellow Ladybugs

• Primary Focus: Autistic and AuDHD girls & gender-diverse youth

• Services Offered: Resources, online learning, books, and videos specifically tailored to the female experience of neurodiversity.

• URL/Contact Info: yellowladybugs.com.au

Autism Queensland

• Primary Focus: Autism, Neurodiversity

• Services Offered: Early childhood intervention, therapy and support services, diagnostic assessments, professional development, and parent education.

• URL/Contact Info: autismqld.com.au

Autism Support Directory

• Primary Focus: Autism, AuDHD, Neurodiversity

• Services Offered: A local guide to allied health, therapies, classes, support groups, and parent coaching.

• URL/Contact Info: autismsupportdirectory.com.au

Neuroaffirming Professionals Alliance Australia (NAPAA)

• Primary Focus: Neurodiversity

• Services Offered: Nationwide directory of professionals who are genuinely invested in understanding individual neurodivergent experiences.

• URL/Contact Info: napaaustralia.org

Recommended Reading for Parents

Your Child Is Not Broken: Parent Your Neurodivergent Child Without Losing Your Marbles by Heidi Mavir [1].  A no-holds-barred account lauded for giving parents permission to trust their instincts and do things differently.

Divergent Mind: Thriving in a World That Wasn't Designed for You by Jenara Nerenberg.  Offers a framework for understanding and thriving as a neurodivergent individual in a neurotypical world.

Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity by Devon Price. A crucial text for understanding the harms of masking and the importance of embracing an authentic self.

Low-Demand Parenting: Dropping Demands, Restoring Calm, and Finding Connection with your Uniquely Wired Child by Amanda Diekman. Aligns with neuro-affirming principles, shifting from a compliance-based model to a connection-based one.

Books and Media for Your Daughter

All Brains Are Different. Uses engaging illustrations to introduce neurodiversity to young minds, their teachers, and families.

The Brain Forest by Sandhya Menon. Celebrates different brain types, including autism and ADHD, and is perfect for starting conversations about accommodations and understanding with children aged 5-10.

When My Brain is Messy. Features an autistic dinosaur character who navigates big emotions and sensory sensitivities, offering a relatable story for young children.

A Future of Thriving and Connection

Embracing the neurodiversity paradigm is a powerful step toward a more compassionate and inclusive future. It means recognising that a child's brain is "differently abled" rather than "disabled".

It is a celebration of the unique strengths that neurodivergent individuals bring to the world, such as the ability to focus for long periods, a strong sense of moral clarity, and the courage to go against the crowd [6].

The most profound resource a parent can provide is their unconditional love and acceptance. By learning to be an advocate and an ally, a parent creates a foundation of safety and belonging that is essential for a child to thrive.

The journey is not about finding a "cure" for who a child is, but about empowering her to be her most confident, self-aware, and joyful self.

References 

[1] Mavir, H. (2022). Your child is not broken: Parent your neurodivergent child without losing your marbles. Headline Publishing Group.

[2] Singer, J. (1998). Disability studies and the neurodiversity paradigm. Retrieved from [Source is often a blog/thesis, treated as general reference to her work].

[3] National Health Service (NHS). (2024). Signs of autism in children. Retrieved September 12, 2025, from https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/signs/children/

[4] Cleveland Clinic. (2023). Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) symptoms & causes. Retrieved September 12, 2025, from https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/autism

[5] Child Mind Institute. (n.d.). Why many autistic girls are overlooked. Retrieved September 12, 2025, from https://childmind.org/article/autistic-girls-overlooked-undiagnosed-autism/

[6] Autism SA. (n.d.). Autism first signs and checklist in girls. Retrieved September 12, 2025, from https://autismsa.org.au/autism-diagnosis/autism-symptoms/signs-of-autism-in-girls/

[7] Authoritative Parenting Tips: Neurodivergent Children Need Limits... (n.d.). [Full citation unavailable in snippet. Treated as a generic article from a reliable parenting source].

[8] CHADD. (n.d.). Symptoms of ADHD in women and girls. Retrieved September 12, 2025, from https://chadd.org/for-adults/symptoms-of-adhd-in-women-and-girls/

[9] National Health Service (NHS). (2024). ADHD in children and young people. Retrieved September 12, 2025, from https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/adhd-children-teenagers/

[10] Staffordshire County Council. (n.d.). Autism in girls checklist. Retrieved September 12, 2025, from [Incomplete reference, link/publisher needed].

[11] Hallowell, E. M., & Ratey, J. J. (2019). ADHD 2.0: New science and essential tools for fostering attention and creativity. Ballantine Books.

[12] Ratto, A. B., Kenworthy, L., Yerys, B. E., Anthony, L. G., Harvey, M. T., Alexander, R., ... & Wallace, G. L. (2018). Sex differences in the manifestation of autism spectrum disorder in preschoolers. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(8), 2720-2731.

[13] Diekman, A. (2023). Low-demand parenting: Dropping demands, restoring calm, and finding connection with your uniquely wired child. New Harbinger Publications.