Embracing the Tapestry
- Amelia Loveland
- Sep 19, 2025
- 5 min read
Updated: Dec 16, 2025
A Neurodiversity-affirming Guide for Parents of AuDHD Girls
(The Abridged Version)
Discovering that your child may experience the world differently can feel overwhelming, but it is also the first step on a journey of understanding, acceptance, and empowerment. This guide is built on the neurodiversity paradigm, an evidence-based framework that challenges the conventional "medical model" of disability (Singer, 2017). Instead of viewing conditions like autism and Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) as deficits to be cured, this perspective celebrates neurological differences as natural and valuable forms of human variation, much like diversity in ethnicity or culture (Chapman, 2019).
A critical element of this paradigm is understanding the "social model of disability," which posits that a person's challenges often stem not from their inherent neurology but from a mismatch between their neurotype and a world built for neurotypical brains (Adam & Koutsoklenis, 2023). It also introduces the concept of the "Double Empathy Problem," which reframes communication difficulties not as a deficit in the neurodivergent individual but as a mutual misunderstanding between different neurotypes (Milton, 2012). The ultimate goal is not to force a child to conform to a "normal" world, but to create an environment where they can thrive as their authentic self.
The Unique Presentation of AuDHD in Girls
The co-occurrence of autism and ADHD, referred to as AuDHD, is a well-documented clinical reality, and it presents a particularly complex experience that is frequently overlooked in girls. The diagnostic criteria for both conditions were historically based on presentations observed in boys, leading to a generation of girls whose experiences were misunderstood.
Girls with AuDHD often present in more internalised ways. They may be the quiet daydreamer in class, the "people-pleaser" who is anxious not to cause trouble, or the intensely focused child in her specific interests. This is often due to a phenomenon known as "masking" or "camouflaging," in which a child learns to consciously or unconsciously hide their neurodivergent traits to fit in with peers (Hull et al., 2017).
While masking may help a child navigate social situations, it comes at an enormous cost. It is an exhausting, constant performance that can lead to burnout, anxiety, depression, and a diminished sense of self (Miller & Rees, n.d.).
The Importance of Early, Affirming Support
A missed or delayed diagnosis prevents a child from understanding the "why" behind their experiences. It can lead to internalised shame and self-blame, contributing to a higher risk of co-occurring mental health conditions and, tragically, suicidal ideation later in life (Cassidy et al., 2018).
Receiving an early, affirming diagnosis is not about labelling a child; it is about providing a crucial framework for self-understanding and unlocking access to appropriate support. Research confirms that a significant number of autistic individuals also have ADHD, with some studies showing an overlap as high as 40-60% (Rong et al., 2021). An affirming assessment process, conducted by professionals who understand the nuances of female presentation, is essential.
This approach validates a child's experience, reassuring them that they are not "broken" but simply have a different neurotype. It provides a roadmap for parents and educators to create supportive environments that meet a child's specific needs (Ghanouni and Seaker 2023)
Practical Strategies for a Thriving Home Environment
Adopting a neurodiversity-affirming approach transforms the home from a potential source of conflict into a sanctuary of acceptance and growth.
Empathetic Communication and Co-regulation
Move beyond traditional behaviourism, which often seeks to extinguish neurodivergent behaviours. Instead, focus on connection. When your daughter is distressed, see it not as "naughty" behaviour but as a sign of an unmet need or sensory overload. Co-regulation involves using your own calm presence to soothe her nervous system and build a foundation of trust and emotional safety.
A Sensory-Friendly and Predictable Home
Many AuDHD individuals experience the world with heightened sensory sensitivity (Little et al., 2018). A home that accommodates these needs becomes a safe harbour. This might involve creating a quiet corner with soft lighting and comfortable textures, using noise-cancelling headphones, or avoiding strong smells.
Predictability is also key; visual schedules and consistent routines can reduce anxiety and help a child feel secure (Knight et al., 2015).
Strengths-Based Parenting
Shift your focus from perceived deficits to inherent strengths (Steiner, 2011). AuDHD girls are often incredibly creative, deeply empathetic, passionate about their interests, and capable of intense focus (hyperfocus). Nurture these strengths. If she loves animals, fill her world with books, documentaries, and experiences related to them. This approach builds self-esteem and allows her to develop a strong, positive identity rooted in her abilities, not her challenges.
This journey is a marathon, not a sprint. By embracing neurodiversity, you are not just helping your daughter navigate the world; you are empowering her to celebrate her unique mind and to live a life that is authentic, joyful, and entirely her own.
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References
Adam, S., & Koutsoklenis, A. (2023). Who needs the social model of disability? Frontiers in Sociology, 8, 1305301.
Cassidy, S., Bradley, L., Shaw, R., & Baron-Cohen, S. (2018). Risk markers for suicidality in autistic adults. Molecular Autism, 9(1), 42.
Chapman, R. (2019). Neurodiversity theory and its discontents: Autism, schizophrenia, and the social model of disability. In The Bloomsbury Companion to Philosophy of Psychiatry. Bloomsbury Academic.
Ghanouni, P., & Seaker, L. (2023). What does receiving autism diagnosis in adulthood look like? Stakeholders' experiences and inputs. International journal of mental health systems, 17(1), 16.
Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron-Cohen, S., Lai, M. C., & Mandy, W. (2017). Putting on my best normal“: Social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519–2534.
Knight, V., Sartini, E., & Spriggs, A. D. (2015). Evaluating visual activity schedules as evidence-based practice for individuals with autism spectrum disorders. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 45(1), 157–178.
Little, L. M., Dean, E., Tomchek, S. D., & Dunn, W. (2018). Sensory processing patterns in autism, ADHD, and typical development. Physical & Occupational Therapy in Pediatrics, 38(2), 243–254.
Miller, D., & Rees, J. (n.d.). Masking is life”: experiences of masking in autistic women. Autism in Adulthood, 3(4), 330–338.
Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: the “double empathy problem.” Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887.
Rong, Y., Yang, C.-J., Jin, Y., & Wang, Y. (2021). Prevalence of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in individuals with autism spectrum disorder: A meta-analysis. Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders, 83(101759), 101759.
Singer, J. (2017). Neurodiversity: The birth of an idea.
Steiner, A. M. (2011). A strength-based approach to parent education for children with autism. Journal of Positive Behavior Interventions, 13(3), 178–190. https://doi.org/10.1177/1098300710384134
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