Embracing the Tapestry

A Neurodiversity-affirming Guide for Parents of AuDHD Girls 

(The Abridged Version)

Discovering that your child may experience the world differently can feel overwhelming,

but it is also the first step on a journey of understanding, acceptance, and empowerment. This guide is built on the foundation of the neurodiversity paradigm, an evidence-based framework that challenges the conventional "medical model" of disability. [1] Instead of viewing conditions like autism and Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) as deficits to be cured, this perspective celebrates neurological differences as natural and valuable forms of human variation, much like diversity in ethnicity or culture. [2]

A critical element of this paradigm is understanding the "social model of disability," which posits that a person's challenges often stem not from their inherent neurology, but from a mismatch between their neurotype and a world built for neurotypical brains. [3] It also introduces the concept of the "Double Empathy Problem," which reframes communication difficulties not as a deficit in the neurodivergent individual, but as a mutual misunderstanding between different neurotypes. [4] The ultimate goal is not to force a child to conform to a "normal" world, but to create an environment where they can thrive as their authentic self.

The Unique Presentation of AuDHD in Girls

The co-occurrence of autism and ADHD, often referred to as AuDHD, is a well-documented clinical reality, and it presents a particularly complex experience that is frequently overlooked in girls. The diagnostic criteria for both conditions were historically based on presentations observed in boys, leading to a generation of girls whose experiences were misunderstood.

Girls with AuDHD often present in more internalised ways. They may be the quiet daydreamer in class, the "people-pleaser" who is anxious not to cause trouble, or the intensely focused child in her specific interests. This is often due to a phenomenon known as "masking" or "camouflaging," where a child learns to consciously or unconsciously hide their neurodivergent traits to fit in with their peers.[5]

While masking may help a child navigate social situations, it comes at an enormous cost. It is an exhausting, constant performance that can lead to burnout, anxiety, depression, and a diminished sense of self. [6]

The Importance of Early, Affirming Support

A missed or delayed diagnosis prevents a child from understanding the "why" behind their experiences. It can lead to internalised shame and self-blame, contributing to a higher risk of co-occurring mental health conditions and, tragically, suicidal ideation later in life. [7]

Receiving an early, affirming diagnosis is not about labelling a child; it is about providing a crucial framework for self-understanding and unlocking access to appropriate support. Research confirms that a significant number of autistic individuals also have ADHD, with some studies showing an overlap as high as 40-60%.[8] An affirming assessment process, conducted by professionals who understand the nuances of female presentation, is essential.

This approach validates a child's experience, reassuring them that they are not "broken" but simply have a different neurotype. It provides a roadmap for parents and educators to create supportive environments that cater to the child's specific needs. [9] For these reasons, the outdated "wait-and-see" approach is now considered detrimental. [10]

Practical Strategies for a Thriving Home Environment

Adopting a neurodiversity-affirming approach transforms the home from a place of potential conflict to a sanctuary of acceptance and growth.

Empathetic Communication and Co-regulation: 

Move beyond traditional behaviourism, which often seeks to extinguish neurodivergent behaviours. Instead, focus on connection. When your daughter is distressed, see it not as "naughty" behaviour but as a sign of an unmet need or sensory overload. Co-regulation involves using your own calm presence to help soothe her nervous system, building a foundation of trust and emotional safety.

A Sensory-Friendly and Predictable Home: 

Many AuDHD individuals experience the world with heightened sensory sensitivity. A home that accommodates these needs becomes a safe harbour. This might involve creating a quiet corner with soft lighting and comfortable textures, using noise-cancelling headphones, or being mindful of strong smells.

Predictability is also key; visual schedules and consistent routines can reduce anxiety and help a child feel secure. [12]

Strengths-Based Parenting:

Shift your focus from perceived deficits to inherent strengths. [11] AuDHD girls are often incredibly creative, deeply empathetic, passionate about their interests, and capable of intense focus (hyperfocus). Nurture these strengths. If she loves animals, fill her world with books, documentaries, and experiences related to them. This approach builds self-esteem and allows her to develop a strong, positive identity rooted in her abilities, not her challenges.

This journey is a marathon, not a sprint. By embracing neurodiversity, you are not just helping your daughter navigate the world; you are empowering her to celebrate her unique mind and to live a life that is authentic, joyful, and entirely her own.

Works Cited

1. Autistic Self Advocacy Network 2023, About Autism, Autistic Self Advocacy Network, viewed 19 September 2025, https://autisticadvocacy.org/about-asan/about-autism/.

2. Chapman, R 2021, 'Neurodiversity and the Social Model of Disability', in H D’Angelo (ed.), The Oxford Handbook of Critical Disability Studies, Oxford University Press, New York.

3. Autistic Self Advocacy Network 2023, Disability Rights, Autistic Self Advocacy Network, viewed 19 September 2025, https://autisticadvocacy.org/policy/disability-rights/.

4. Milton, DEM 2012, 'On the ontological status of autism: the ‘double empathy problem’', Disability & Society, vol. 27, no. 6, pp. 883-887.

5. Hull, L, Petrides, KV, Allison, C, Smith, P, Baron-Cohen, S, & Lai, MC 2017, '“Putting on My Best Normal”: Social Camouflaging in Adults with Autism Spectrum Conditions', Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, vol. 47, no. 8, pp. 2519-2534.

6. Miller, D, Rees, J, & Pearson, A 2021, '“Masking is life”: experiences of masking in autistic women', Autism in Adulthood, vol. 3, no. 4, pp. 330-338.

7. Cassidy, S, Bradley, L, Shaw, R, & Baron-Cohen, S 2018, 'Risk markers for suicidality in autistic adults', Molecular Autism, vol. 9, no. 42.

8. Rong, Y, Yang, CJ, Jin, Y, & Wang, Y 2021, 'Prevalence of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in individuals with autism spectrum disorder: A meta-analysis', Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders, vol. 83, 101759.

9. Green, R, Conway, JR, & Smith, E 2022, 'The benefits of receiving an autism diagnosis in adulthood', Autism in Adulthood, vol. 4, no. 1, pp. 33-42.

10. Raymaker, D 2023, Why the 'Wait-and-See' Approach Is Outdated, Psychology Today, viewed 19 September 2025, https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-neurodivergent-therapist/202302/why-the-wait-and-see_approach_is_outdated.

11. Bauminger, N & Shulman, C 2013, 'A Strength-Based Approach to Parent Education for Children With Autism', in M Gagiu (ed.), Parents and Their Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders, Springer, Dordrecht.

12. Autistica n.d., Sensory processing, Autistica, viewed 19 September 2025, https://www.autistica.org.uk/what-is-autism/sensory-processing.